Life

Where I say sorry all the time

I have no idea why.  To the people sitting in our allocated seats at the cinema, to the person who doesn’t realise there’s a queue and has wandered on up to the cashier before me, the people standing chatting blocking the middle of the footpath.  Why am I apologising for existing?  I have no idea.  Saying sorry for not liking something that someone else does, that’s a good one.  Maybe it’s a cultural thing, like when I text the builder all hi just wondering when you’re coming back to do something with the crater at the side of our house, sorry to bother you, I know you’re busy etc.  Why do I feel the need to apologise for saying what I mean?  Why do I need to couch everything with a sorry or don’t mean to bother you?  Probably because I worry what people think on an exhausting level.

I don’t want to seem rude – except when I’m trying to be (I’m real good at it).  I don’t want to come across as aggressive or blunt, because I know that runs in my family and can offend people who aren’t used to it (actually I quite like it – you know where you are when people say what they mean).  So I say I’m sorry but I don’t mean it most of the time and it’s just like another pleasantry rather than the amends it should be.  I use it like excuse me, please, thank you.  I have effectively devalued it.  I actually tried the other day to just tell someone something (vague I know) without apologising and before I knew it there I was explaining away in the quagmire of excuses, justifying myself, when I could’ve stopped at the first sentence.  I’m unsure where to go from here.  Do I try to wean myself off my submissive habit and just be myself, or is this myself?  I know I can be pretty defiant in an argument, but when it doesn’t matter I find it difficult to get away from not wanting to offend.  I will start with the small everyday stuff – the people blocking the footpath, the people at the cinema.  I will be polite and extra smiley but I will not say sorry.  And I will do this whilst reciting Beyonce in my head, because she ain’t sorry.  That way the next time you hear me say sorry, you’ll know I really mean it.

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