The first time I heard this phrase was in a French textbook; oddly enough, because I’m pretty sure it has no French heritage. It has haunted me through school, university and now beyond into the realms of thirtysomething life and motherhood. I constantly put off big things, little things, things of no consequence and things that would have many should I not – eventually – take action. I don’t know why I do it to myself, it’s like a bad habit I quietly hate about myself. Because to the outside world, save maybe for my parents, I appear pretty efficient. I do get stuff done; actually I enjoy doing things I don’t need to above and beyond necessity, which means I often prioritise them instead of doing what I actually need to. Cue offering to make cupcakes for someone else’s child’s birthday when I haven’t sorted out the car insurance. In reality it’s a 20 minute phone-based task, but there I am making two different types of baked goods, frosting and decorating, worrying that it’s only my son who likes pirates. I exhaust myself – not baking – but mentally. I wonder is there some weird psychological rationale behind my flaw. A quick google search tells me there are 4 main culprits:
- Fear of failure
- Excessive perfectionism
- Low energy levels
- Lack of focus
Suitably depressed about which one of these applies to me, my point is that I started blogging only a few months ago with the intention to commit half an hour a few times a week to telling no one in particular what’s baking or unburdening my mind. Typically it’s now been 2 months since I did anything. Lazy girl. I promise – to myself – I will tackle my fear of failure, lack of focus and energy and relentless pursuit of perfection (joke) and contribute more regularly. So the title is accurate enough; I spend time and allot headspace to thinking about those pesky little tasks, I make lists with the intention to watch them being completed. In the end some things stay on the list for the long haul; it ebbs and flows as one item pops off another jumps on to take its place. I guess like a whole lot of things I’ll just have to make my peace with it and try harder. But hey, at least I’m trying.