Photo courtesy of @byebyethecheese aka Bruder
Today started out rough. I had an emotional hangover from my no treat Friday night – yes I am aware that I’m a grown woman and yes I’ll admit hormones may be a factor but if anyone says that I’ll punch them – and the prospect of parkrun was accompanied not just by my usual nerves but an overwhelming urge to stay at home As much as I’d love to say that feeling passed when the whistle blew, it didn’t. And it was brutal. I struggled between I can’t I just can’t and feeling like I was literally running on empty. I stopped to walk a few times, which I haven’t done since my first run and considered walking the whole thing. I finished. That’s about the most positive thing I can say about it so maybe best to leave it there. I know how I feel right now is just a stage of the plan I have to get through. By no means do I want to quit, I just need to keep going. Today is a fast day, but I had scrambled egg when I got home and I really needed them so I don’t feel that was a failure. A shower and black coffee later and I’m definitely more positive.
All the same my emotional tsunami this morning has made me think about how I want to incorporate the plan into my life long term, both in practical and enjoyment terms. Slumped on the kerb feeling defeated all I could think was what am I doing this for? Mostly I wanted to kick my sugar addiction, lose a bit of fat as the name suggests and see what muscles maybe lie beneath that layer of blubber since I’ve been working hard at the gym. I’m not that concerned about the scales as feeling good. And I do. I’m not bloated, I feel leaner already and my energy levels (this morning notwithstanding) have been good.
At the same time I don’t think I’m willing to sacrifice the enjoyment that food gives me and how I enjoy it – cooking for or eating with friends and family, trying new things, popcorn at the cinema, cake on a Saturday, for what would probably still be a just ok bikini body. I wonder if anyone with a seemingly perfect figure is either just genetically blessed or constantly watching what they eat. I don’t judge them either way, but I don’t know that it’s that important to me after all and perhaps that’s one of the learning curves of these two weeks. I want to feel good, and part of that is living a life where food is comforting, exciting and brings me together with people I love and that’s the balance I need to find and sustain.